The Dress Quest
Apr 16, 2009
in Style and Fashion
The wedding is getting closer and closer. Now is the time most everything should at least be decided on. Of course this is not so. I'm pretty good at procastinating in general, but there were too many things I just didn't want to think about. I'm pretty much doing the planning and everything on my own. And the money.... well Mom has offered, but we wanted to pay for it ourselves. And organizing things and asking mom for money and nailing down how much they should give us... I just didn't want to deal with it. And they can only give us 1000 or so anyway. Which I'm extremely grateful for, but with our zilch and there little bit... that still only leaves a little bit. But the wedding is in July and we've been engaged for over a year now, so it's time to buckle down.
So we come to todays dilemma. I finally have a theme and mood I absolutley love. I've been all over the place, but since I decided last week to step it up a notch I've come up with ideas completly different to anything I was thinking before. And I love it. It's outside by a river here in Alaska, and I decided it will have a woodsy theme. Lots of moss and leaves and branches and those lovely ivory morrocan inspired lanterns in my wedding idea list. So I want my dress to be in ivory or cream with maybe some brown accents. I want something casual and pretty and flowy, with a sort of wispy almost fairy like quality. Lace and ruffles are always good. But finding it...in my size....... and not hurting my mothers feelings.
She wants to make my dress. She wants to use her old lace curtains and some bridal satin and a pattern she has. It might actually be what I want...but there are a few problems. Not only does it not realy sound like exactly what I want, I son't want my mom to make my wessing dress. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and she is very talented. But this is my wedding. I want to be the bride. I am looking at a custom dress, and whoever I choose I really want them to give me input and have their own vision, but as the bride I do want it to reflect me and what I want and what looks good on me. Moms vision tends to overrun mine. Someone told me thats because Moms are used to being the boss when it comes to their children. But whatever it is she does things her way. I'll have an idea, she likes it, she changes it, I give input, she thinks about it, and then she does it her way. Which is fine and I get it, but this is my wedding and I want to feel like the bride. I also don't want to hurt her feelings if I want it changed somehow, and I don't want to settle on something thats not what I want because of that. I'm sure she could do a perfect job and make something I loved....but I would rather go to someone else. I feel realy guilty about it though. I think she realy wants to do this. And we don't have a lot of money. So this is realy upsetting me and I can't ask them to pay for a dress when she'd already gearing up to make one.
I finally told why I'm upset to Mike. His answer was to take out a loan. We're going to do it tommorow. Take out a big loan, pay off the old one and use the money to tie up loose ends and start buying stuff for the wedding. I'm already well on my way to finding that perfect dress. I've even talked to multiple artists already to find the one who can make a dress for this chubby little bride to be at a price I can afford. Not only are we taking out a loan, but now I have to tell my mother that we are buying a dress she could probably make herself. Somebody please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I've found some wonderful artists whose past work is in my price range and style I love. But I keep feeling that guilt.
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Comments (5)
Your wedding is something to remember for the rest of your life, and you should do it your way. She might get tiffed at first, but eventually she'll get over it and she'll appreciate how beautiful you looked and that you were happy at your wedding. Maybe she can help you with something else for the wedding - to make her feel like she's contributing.
My husband and I paid for a good portion of our wedding out of our own pocket, so I am familiar with feeling like you can't get what you want because of budget issues. However, I don’t know that it would be wise to take out a loan to pay for your wedding unless it is absolutely necessary. I don’t quite know how to explain my thoughts on this, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.
My mother did make my dress (I asked her to because I wanted something specific and she is a great seamstress) and that saved a lot of money. Do you have an idea what you want your dress to look like? Perhaps you can find a pattern and she can still make it. If you decided to go this route, make it clear that you don't want to seem like bridezilla, but this is your day and you have specific things in mind that you do and don't want.
You can save money on things all over the place. If you have access to a wholesale flower shop, use them. We were able to get all our flowers for our wedding for about $100 (calla lillies, gerbera daisies, and freesia) and made the bouquets ourselves using satin ribbon. If you have a friend/family member who decorates cakes, ask them to make yours - you can pay for the ingredients and materials, but it will be less expensive than ordering some giant cake from a bakery. If you need different supplies, check out Save On Crafts. You can get supplies from there for great prices.
Ultimately, it is your day and it is a day you will remember forever. Just remember that. I wish I had done that a bit more. Instead I spent a good portion of my wedding trying to please others rather than doing what I wanted.
I found this lovely dress for $154.99. It's more bridal than the dresses you have pictured, but the price is fantastic.
Thank you both for your input.
@vntgbabe - I think I will stick with the doing my own thing and keeping her involved in other things. She is realy excited about the cheesecake wedding dakes I think, and has some good ideas so far. Plus if it doesn't work out (she has a hit and miss track record) I can always buy a few cheescakes.
@gregsgal - Thank you for the pointers, it's always nice to hear from others who've been in similar situations. The loan isn't just for the wedding, it's pretty much to tie up some small loose ends, buy that stuff we realy need (a matress thats not squashed flat with springs sticking out the sides would be nice) and a little of it would start going towards the small stuff for the wedding. The wedding just kind of tipped us over that edge, mainly because I don't want Mom to pay for a dress. But thank you for reminding me to try to restrain myself and work with what I have. Sav On Crafts is where a lot of the supplies I want are. Did you order from them? Because I'd love to hear thoughts from someone who has. Going through their inventory is actually what cemented my theme and gave me a lot of the ideas I stuck with.
And some good news! I talked with mom, and she doesn't seemed crushed. I showed her some of the dresses I like on etsy. She doesn't like the more rough around the edges designs as much as I do, but I think I can win her over. She realy likes the one in that third picture though. And the talks with designers are all going so well that now I have tough choices to make. That first dress in that post...that artist is a bit higher so that might not work. But the second one is looking better and better. I haven't gotten much in the way of prices from her, but the dialogue is going great and the stuff in her shop similar to what I want is mostly under $200, so I'm sure what she's got planned for me should be under our max ($300ish). The last one is Moms favorite and that is looking around $200-225 or so. So I'll be getting a dress made just for me at a pretty good price. I'm feeling good.
Oh and the more I talked about me and Mike spending the more Mom pointed out they wanted to help. And she said $2000 which is higher than I thought they were willing to go. Hopefully I don't have to rely on that money, but it's nice to have that backup.
Sorry everyone for the long blogazine...and now the long comment. There is just so much going on in my head about all this that it's nice to spill it all out.
Thank you to anyone patient enough to listen. I appreciate the advice and support.
Wedding decisions are always hard...no matter how much money, or how much time, or who is the sensitive one...it is such an emotional celebration....full of love, opening one door, closing another...so many different feelings for the bride and groom, for the moms and dads. So try not to let it get to you too much. Try to enjoy everything about your wedding and remember it is a huge change for everyone you love.
I think perhaps you should tell your mom you really wanted to have someone else make the dress because it is such a time consuming project and involves so many decisions...you thought it would be better not to add extra pressure to all the things you and your Mom are handling together. Also you can tell her you love her too much to have said something if you wanted something changed, and this way you can do it with someone who won't have such close feelings about it if you want something changed. BUT...tell your mother you so admire her talent and you look forward to her helping you in the future....maybe she would like to make a special outfit to bring your first child home in.....when you come to that point. Let her know you want to really enjoy this special time with her and you don't want any extra stress on either one of you. She just doesn't want to feel left out....ask if she is going to make HER dress for the wedding and give her as much freedom as you can in what she gets to wear...and then praise her decision....because whether you REALLY love what she chooses to wear or not...it's obvious you REALLY love her. Remember, it's an important day....but it is just one day...DON'T try to make it perfect.....you can't do that...just make it special for you and those you love....because that day is only the first day of a whole new and special way of life that you will be able to share with your family and friends. I think your wedding plans sound fantastic! Smiles.....Pat (paws72)